blueskiesinsight

My sister and her boyfriend broke up today. Apparently their lack of sex was because he wasn't attracted to her any more. First of all, I don't have the whole story, that's just what I got from a text message, second of all...what the fuck! What an asshole, my sister is a very attractive young lady and while she might have gained a total of five pounds while they've been together that's certainly not enough to make any big changes in her appearance. This guy is a 32 year old playboy who's never had a serious relationship ever, he's fucking asshole who is so consumed with himself he would actually tell a girl that he wasn't attracted to her and that's why they should break up. Not to mention who knows now what type of image my sister has of her body, she's not fat or even chubby, everyone wishes they would be five pounds lighter, but this guy has probably opened up a whole new can of worms. He's a loser, I had a feeling something wasn't right with him from the very begining.

Last night was kinda weird. I went up to my parents...who proceeded to get me drunk. haha Then when I came home, I couldn't sleep at all...then I got this panic attack that my car was being broken into or stolen. Bad night clearly. Today is better though, because yesterday Audrey put her two weeks in. Thank God because she was making it miserable for us at work, complaining about me getting all A shifts and of course it must be because I'm fucking the boss and not because I've been here for three years, right? Any way, I'm just not going to make friends at work any more. Not a single one has lasted, mostly because they screw me in some way. Well today is bliss, I'm glad she's leaving. Of course you ship one out and another ships in, hopefully Edgar will be gone at his new job by then. I think he's going to take it. It worries me...but I guess you have to take chances and maybe it will work out, maybe it won't. Eep.

I feel really good today! There's always going to be that shit that goes on, at work or at home, but I actually got out and did something this weekend. I went out with Kira on Thursday and Friday! I'm sure she was starting to get annoyed that I would say I was going out with her or the group and then...pretty much just go to bed early because I was so tired or because I was afraid I was going to be tired the next day at work. That's no way to live though is it? I mean, it's shitty that I work on the weekend, but I can't let that stop me from being social. I can do the whole five hours of sleep thing once or twice a week, actually I found it was easier to get up this morning then when I go to bed at 9. Sleeping so much is making me depressed even more. So I feel good and I'm glad I went out. I hope I can keep up the momentum, I have to be social and sometimes just do random shit, that's going to keep things interesting for me keep me from constantly being consumed by work! So yay! It's such a bright day!

So I've taken a new outlook on this whole thing with work. Basically, I'm not going to fight it any more. I'm not going to try and make people see that favorites aren't being played by Edgar and I'm just going to keep to myself. If I'm going to be stuck here then I'm going to start putting my all into this job, not doing it well is really starting to affect me. I'm accepting my position here, I'm going to do what I can to help out and change this place around, after all...I have been part of continuing some problems we've had here. It's time for a new outlook and attitude. So I start a new chapter and stop caring so much what everyone is talking about or what they are thinking. For example...today I could have once again been part of the SALT team, but Audrey wanted to do it. So James said to talk to her, but I wasn't about to do that. I told him that things are just too heavy for me here now, he could choose. Well he ended up flipping a coin and she won. So whatever, I personally believe I have more to offer...but I thought that about the last job too. So maybe a new look on things will help our SALT scores and that's a good thing. I'm still going to constantly come up with new ideas and try to push through things that are important to me, keep to myself, do my own work and not hang out with any one outside of work.

I'm just not happy living this way, constant anxiety...it's JUST a job and I'm stuck here. So I'm going to have fun and stop worrying. FUN FUN FUN. Experimental FUN!!

So he totally got me. I was a shoe in, the perfect match for the new position. Then the twist. The biggest fucking mess of a twist. Lets just say, someone else needed another position, and so the stage was set. I took the bait, I took the fucking bait, only to later realize it was all a farce. Only to realize how completely foolish I was to apply when clearly my fate and the fate of my boyfriend hang freely in the air and there is no support, there was no support and there will be no support. I can't say how many time's I've cried, this was supposed to be my savior from the front desk and our savior from the owners disdane that we are dating and in the same department. It was my savior...until the owners also said we couldn't have two sales coordinators. So Emilee is the one who get's to be saved, and now he want's me to be a supervisor...because that completely solves the problem right? I don't want the position, I want James to know that he's a horrible gruel person. I want him to burn in hell and I hope and pray that one day I will be able to tell him that, without crying of course. That's the problem, I can't talk with him without becoming so enraged that I start crying. I hope to pull it together...maybe I won't have a job next week, maybe I will.

For the first time in a long time my heart is beating fast because I'm excited about something...not anxious. I recently learned of an opening at the Alexis hotel in Seattle. They are looking for an acocunting clerk...just so happens, I know the guy in AP. This excites me so much, and I can't help but get my hopes up...especially when they've been down so often lately. This would be an amazing opportunity for me and I know and appreciate that. Sill I know that I shouldn't get my hopes too high, even knowing someone doesn't always guarantee you a job. Lets just say, I know there is a good chance I will be let down, and I think it will be okay. If I get a chance to interview with them I'm going to do my best to blow them away. Okay, I guess I am nervous I won't get it. I just want to get out of this place so bad that this tiny speck of glittery hope makes me so happy and excited. I have to remember that it's a tough economy though.

Eep look at me. Talking circles. High Hopes. Realistic View.

Today president Obama was sworn in, Edgar and I got up early to watch the event and tears came to my eyes thinking about what an amazing country I live in. It's taken over two hundred years for this historic event to happen, and it amazes me how for the first time in a long time Americans can say that they are truely proud to be an American. There are still many injustices in this country, and compared to others we are far behind other countries in equality and healthcare, but America is coming into it's own on it's own time. I'm proud to be part of a generation that will show the world what America is really about, and that we all can change for the better and stand together united as a country who only will fight for the well being of all men and women. One day I will tell my children and grandchildren that I was there when America broke the bonds of slavery and elected a black president. How proud I feel, to be an American.

Edgar and I decided on a name for our first girl...which not to worry anyone, isn't going to be for a while. I love the name though, Contessa Jeanine K Lee Garvin. Sometimes it's fun to think about having a baby, maybe because I'm getting to that age. Well I'm not that close. Even though the housekeepers keep asking me when I'm getting married. I guess I just started thinking about names for a baby girl because Amanda, Edgar's 18 year old sister might be having a girl. My heart feels so pained with her situation. 18 is a legal age, but it's still such a young age to be having a baby, this girl has never even had a job and her parents never talked to her about having safe sex. She's not young enough to not take any of the blame, women need to take repsonsibility for their own sexual health and safety. I do wish that I had talked to her more about having sex when she was here, but that was two years ago. At this point though, there is no going back...she's a child having a child and in this economy, she can't find a job. Her boyfriend can't find a job. I feel for her and she's right about Edgar and I being lucky to have jobs right now. I hope that we're able to help out as much as possible with Edgar's new neice or nephew. Sad sad sad.

Well things at work have gotten significantly better than they were before. It's amazing how much one person can make a difference in the entire attitude of all their co-workers. Erika was a liar and manipulator. I think having that kind of influence and knowing that managemnt refused to do anything about it until she was caught letting a friend of her's stay in one of our suites really took a toll on the front desk. I know it definitely took a toll on me. James and Joe forced Edgar to make her a supervisor and then it just became worse. I wish he would just have some balls and say no sometimes. He lets them walk all over him and honestly...he LET Erika walk all over him. He could have stoped it at any time. Luckily she got herself fired, as I suppose would have eventually happened any way. We are short staffed, but at least I get my 40 hours back. I think I can handle not getting a break if it means I don't take a pay cut.

In other news, Edgar's selfish is now what is really wearing on me. I asked him to pick up more of the bills and he pretty much freaked out on me. Then even though I had plans for us he decided instead to go play music, because going to the mall isn't so important that he should not do something HE wants to do. All I hear from him is me me me. It makes me sick because my expectations are for many things to be "us." We aren't just roommates, he supposedly wants to marry me, but he doesn't see why it might be a good idea and help both of us out if he pays a little more of the bills. I'm so tired of him only thinking about himself. I think being depressed has really just made this stand out, right now I need him to be here for me, but he disgusts me so much sometimes it's better that he's away.

My New Year consited of me falling asleep and waking up at 12:20 only to realize that I had slept through the fireworks...damn.

Two days after my New Year, God opened a window where he closed a door. I cannot believe how incredibly lucky I feel and how blessed my life truely is. I can safely say that for the time being my hours are back up to 40 a week. A girl at work was caught letting a friend staying in one of our suites that's out of order. Her stupidity has finally gotten this person what she truely deserves and has also given the good hardworking people who work at the Front Desk their hours back which they deserve.

I just don't have many words to describe how happy I am. I know that there are still many changes that have to happen for me to truely be happy...I need to set expectations with Edgar and let him know exactly what it is I need from him. I need to do other things too and spending the last couple of days with my mom has really helped me get some things into perspective. I know what has to be done for me to be happy again and I think I'm done wallowing in self pity.

wow.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm as selfish I feel Edgar is. I love him, I really do, but sometimes he just feels so selfish and then I feel so alone. I probably am just as selfish, but selfishly I look at him and get angry when he's selfish. I don't even know if that makes sense.

Thank you Billy Joel for singing about (wo)men making love to their tonic and gin :)

Some music just takes me back. Elton John, Billy Joel, Bonnie Raitt, The Eagles. They take me all the way back to 2004-05. haha. It was at that time that downloaded these songs for the first time on DC++ and if you ask any of my roommates from freshman year they will tell you that I loved to play songs from these artists...over and over and over again. Unfotunately, that's where I want to go right now. Back to a time when I wasn't very happy...but I realize was way a hell of a lot better than things are now. Memories come flooding in from walking to class...when I went to class, sitting in class, parties over at Nga's, parties in our cluster, arguing with my roommate, hating my roommate, loving my other roommates, loving my RA whome I knew would never feel the same about me, late nights at Starbucks with Marcus, tunnelling beneath UW...and the list goes on.

Now I'm going to look up some recipes, instead of going down to the 8 with all my friends for dinner, I'm going to make it.

So I guess I've started to go into survival mode, thinking about the least amount of money that I can spend every month and how I can have my paychecks strech. It's really something I should have been doing all along, not spending fruitlessly and saving everything I didn't need to stay alive. I guess I think I'm rich or something. I hope one day I will look back at this time and be like...I can't believe we did that. I can't say I'm ready to start coupon clipping or anything and I definitely don't want a handout, but I am terrified. My parents will always help me...well not always, they will eventually die right? But there always comes this hidden clause when accepting money from parents, they can use it against you at any moment and my mom LOVES to do that!

I wonder how employers can do this to their employees. Do they feel guilty at all? How could they, they don't work here or have even met the people they employ. We are just numbers to them, numbers that are too high that they must cut down because they are money grubbing paranoid Asians. Never in a winter that I've worked here have they gone to this step to cut down on expenses. We are donig way better than last year at this time, but with the economic times they are just paranoid. Numbers aren't people, so it's easier to cut the bottom line if you think about it that way I'm sure. They don't have to wonder where the money is coming from each month, or if they will have to get rid of cable because that's an added expense they will have to live without just so they can eat. I feel so much anger at them, so much at James even. I know so much pressure is put on him from them and it's not necessarily his fault, but his atitude makes me so angry. There's nothing I can do about it right...just keep praying that I find another job soon...or at all, I could be stuck here for the rest of my life.

keep praying...oh Lord.

When I scoffed at my gradmother for giving an overly generous tip at lunch she always said that we needed to be a blessing to others. So, I try as often as possible to be a blessing to others when I tip, after all, most of waiters and bartenders income is in the form of tips.

This only comes to light when the Assistant General Manager of the hotel I work at gave me a lecture about tipping the pizza delivery guy $15 instead of $5. So I told him that there was ten feet of snow and he was the only one delivering so I thought he deserved such a generous tip. I can't say that I didn't know something like that was going to happen, I knew that giving out the company's money like that would not be looked upon favorly, considering they are cutting back everyone's hours to 35...or so they tell us.

How am I supposed to live on 35 hours a week? The extra time off would be nice if I were getting paid more to make up the difference. So I need to be making...$12.55 an hour. Eh, that's would be just fine with me...if it were possible. Cheap ass.

I guess I just have to go into survival mode. No nights out...and less Chipotle...on the plus side, I might lose some weight. haha.

I broke down today at work. That desk is so suffocating, one way in, one way out and 5 blockades between me and the door. Edgar doesn't understand. All I needed was to sit down for a little while today. Instead, I went home. His selfishness is more than I can handle. Everything is about him. He can't look past himself to see me. Every day is more and more of a stuggle. To get out of bed, to stand at attention and smile, help people. I helped three people who didn't smile back at me today. I put on my best show and they just couldn't give me a fucking smile.

My mom talked me through a lot of things. How lucky I am to have a job. How they don't need Christmas presents this year. How no one knew our country would be in this situation this time last year. I know that she is stuggling too. She's such a stong person, her life has been all but pleasant and yet she's percevered.

There are things I need to do on my own. I want to join that soccer team on my own. School used to be that thing I did on my own, now all I have is work and Edgar. That is enough to make me go insane. He even has his own thing, music...he takes two nights a week and plays with his friends, at first it bugged me that he had something he loved to do and did it without me, now I'm hoping he does even more of it. He is pushing himself away from me, and seeing him doesn't bring me joy any more. I know he loves me and I love him. I just don't know what is wrong, besides depression. No energy, no joy, just a whole shit load of feeling sorry for myself and wanting to cry for no particular reason.

It's been a while since I've really wrote anything down. My general manager, whom I feel like I have a love/hate relationship encouraged me to start journaling again. Of course the first thing that comes out of my mind is work. Work all the time. I dream about work. I have so much anxiety about work. Now I think that everyone is out to get me, which brings me to my biggest fear, losing my job.

I look at the picture I have on my blog, and it reminds me of a time when I wanted so badly to be loved and liked by this one boy. I did crazy things that I realize now were completely foolish. Chasing something that ran twice as fast as I could.

I don't know how I feel. I'm depressed. So maybe I do know. I'm tired. I can't make my mind up about anything. Decisons are so hard and I'm forced to make them in every aspect of my life every day. Which is no less than anyone else. I can't decide how I want my hair to look, what kind of job I want, if I want to go to grad school and if so what grad school and what should I study. The list goes on, what am I going to have for dinner, what would Edgar like for dinner...why can't he just decide and make it. Why can't he just decide and make it. Why can't he just decide and make it.

Why can't he manage his money better? Why do I make nearly 500 less than him in a month but I can stretch my money out for two weeks before the next pay day. Why does he irritate me to the breaking point so often???

Energy. I just don't have it and I'm trying so hard to get it. I want to join an indoor soccer team and I would love for Edgar to do it with me, but maybe I want to do it on my own. I want to have something that is my own, something that makes me happy. Maybe that's what I need to do. Do this on my own. Something else to decide I guess.

So the last days are nearing of college. It's been almost a year since I last wrote, how sad. I'm excited college is ending, but I'm so nervous about graduating and not having a job to fall nicely into. Yikes.

Things besides being freaked out are good. Edgar and I have never been better...we're moving in together at the end of this month! I never thought that would happen. He says he wants to marry me, and I'm pretty sure I feel the same way. Awkward...but we've come a long way since my emo posts about how horrible things were and how much I wished things would change.

Lazaro is a guy at work. He's pretty kick ass. Speaking of work, it would be cool if Kira got a job here. I'm not sure how long I'll be here...but having her here would be way cool, I'd get to see her so much more. yay!

Spring is almost here!!!

For some reason this day has been...a nightmare. It was the most beautiful day, I got to see Tierney and Kira and then I had lunch with Katie on the Hub lawn. The sun was out and I should have been happy.

I don't have any where to live. I have to be out of my apartment by the second and I can't for the life of me find a two bedroom apartment. My only option would be to move home, however short a period of time. I am so unbelievably frustrated, because my obvious choice would be to move in with Edgar for a week or two until I find an apartment. That way I wouldn't have to drive in traffic an hour both ways every day to work. Even though he knows the situation I'm facing, he hasn't once entertained the idea of me moving in with him temporarily. Maybe I'm expecting too much, but it pisses me off to talk to him about it. Today he was like "well what are you going to do? you have no other option" I wanted to FUCKING PUNCH HIS FUCKING FACE IN, luckily for him we were on the phone. This wouldn't be a big deal...for a couple weeks max, fucking ass hole. If he fucking wants to be single THEN HE CAN JUST FUCKING BE SINGLE.

I'm pms-ing too. BY THE WAY.

Edgar needs surgery next week. He needs someone to be with him full time for a week. Something I can't do. I have classes and work. I'm stressing because his mom may or may not come out. I don't know how I'm going to figure out how he's going to be taken care of while I have to be away. My mom has an abnormal growth on her uterus. They won't tell her exactly what it is, they just set up an apointment for her to see a specialist. My grama recently became disoriented at the grocery store and didn't know where she was or where her car was...possibly in response to hearing that my mom once again is facing something that could be life threatening. My sister had to go into the hospital tonight...she was severely dehydrated and once again has tonsilitus.

On that happy note I have my own health issues. I keep putting off going to a doctor because I don't have the time. The more I look online at my symptoms and what could be wrong, the more worried I get.

Finals are coming up

I need a new job. I can't afford to quit my current job.

I have no idea why all of this seems to be happening at once. I have no idea.

So a lot has happened since my last post. Edgar and I got back together. Yeah yeah, I know. I've heard every argument against it. I'm not promising any thing. I know things might just end up the same way...but I love him, he loves me and we're going to give it one more try.

So now that's out of the way, I'm so tired. I wished that I didn't have to work, I wish I didn't have to find a new job and that I didn't have to find an apartment. Boo. I'm a complainer.

I loves my classes by the way. They're awesome!

I hate him, and by hate, I mean love and that's what I hate. I hate that I can't get this feeling out of my heart. I hate that I can't stop dreaming about him. I hate that he just won't leave me alone and let me get over him. I hate that even we both know it won't work and even though he's said he still has the same feelings for me, he's strong enough to not give in. It's easier than ever to forget the bad times. Why can't he just leave me alone?? Why can't he respect me when I tell him that I don't want to be friends and more importantly that I can't be friends?? I told him that until I don't love him any more we can't be friends. He keeps trying to push it on me. He text messages me and jokes around with me like nothing ever happened. Someone actually asked if we were back together. I just have to stop talking to him. As scared as I am to lose him forever, I'm even more afraid of losing myself because I can't let go. He doesn't get it. He's never gotten it. That's why we aren't together

I was rereading some of my past posts. I went through the begining...the breakup...a new begining and one hell of a rollercoaster. The part that struck me the most...when I decided to take Edgar back the first time we broke up I vowed to myself that I would only give it one more chance. I was so dead set on it because of all the pain he caused me in only two and half months time. For some reason this imediately made me feel so much better. This past week has been hell, that this weekend...well the sooner it's over the better.

My mom really put this whole thing into perspective. Intellectually you can know that something is over, separate the good from the bad, weigh the two and come to the best and most logical answer. Then there is the emotional side, it's completely different. Separating yourself emotionally from someone who's dominated a huge part of your life in that department is much much harder, even though you know it's the right thing. The emotional part is where the healing comes in and it's the intellectual side that's going to slowly begin to aid and heal you emotionally.

I said one more time. I almost faultered. I'm back on track.